You’ve probably already heard the news about the separation of the “golden couple.” They announced it the last few days.  Gwyneth Paltrow, recently named “the most beautiful woman in the world” according to an American magazine, is separating from Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay.

In the official statement, on the actress’ website, the couple said they reached the conclusion that “while we love each other very much we will remain separate.”

How can a couple who loves each other remain separate? Those who love separate? Loving means you live apart? Do those who love each other put their small children through a divorce? There is so much more being silently said through these words.

Right on the first page of the book Bulletproof Marriage, we clarify this:

The “love” that brings people together has not been enough to maintain a marriage. Isn’t it scary to imagine that the love you have for your partner may not be enough in the time of a crisis? The problem hasn’t been the lack of love, but the lack of tools to fix the inherent problems of living as a couple.

In Paltrow and Martin’s separation we see this fact being confirmed once again. People think that love is all you need to make a relationship work. It’s not. Much less this type of love, that presumes that the success of living together is automatic.

“Conscious uncoupling”

The separation of the couple has even taken a more bizarre turn. On her website, right below the announcement of their separation, Gwyneth posted an article from her “spiritual advisers” which explains that the couple is not divorcing but going through a “conscious uncoupling.” This is a clear attempt to turn the horrible reality of a divorce into something positive.

In short, the argument they present is that a marriage that lasts a lifetime is not a viable option today. According to Paltrow’s guru’s, in an era where life expectancy is more than 70, “people aren’t biologically or psychologically prepared to be with one person for four, five, or six decades.” So what’s the alternative?  Have “Two or three significant long-term relationships in a lifetime.”

There are people who pay a lot of money for that kind of advice, especially in Hollywood. Get ready to hear about more celebrity couples going through “conscious uncoupling.”

Do you know why this argument is so attractive? It’s attractive because it successfully does what so many other myths about relationships do; it “uncouples” you from responsibility. After all, if the problem is in the idea of a life-long marriage, it’s not the couple’s fault. If they argue, misunderstand each other, pursue different paths that create an emotional distance and end up separating – none of those is the problem. Being selfish, proud or stubborn? Those aren’t a problem either. Blame biology. Who told you to live so long?

Paltrow’s gurus justify their theory by pointing out that couples who remain together for a lifetime are the exception and not the rule. Once again, they err in stating that the majority always rules. If this were so, we would have to recommend pornography as the new way of life for all men. That’s right, after all a survey showed that 70% of men watch pornography on the internet weekly. In other words, according to this logic, if most people do it then it must be the right way and everyone should do the same.

The attacks on marriage, the lies dressed up in elegance, and the new and old myths about marriage are growing out of control. If you don’t protect yourself, you’ll end up accepting divorce as the natural and even elegant way: a test of your evolution as a human being.

Be alert. Practice intelligent love. Bullet-proof your marriage.

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