If something made you cry when you were a child, your experience was probably a little something like this:

 

If you were a boy: you would cry, then go to your mom or dad for some comfort, and would hear something along the lines of: “Stop crying! You’re a man! Men don’t cry. Stop crying now.” It didn’t take long and you eventually learned that this is exactly what you needed to do every time you had a problem.

If you were a girl: you would cry, then go to your mom or dad for some comfort, and would hear something along the lines of: “Aw.What happened Sweetie? Come here and tell me all about it…” You would be cuddled and showered with love and affection, and would have a warm shoulder to cry on until you had stopped crying. It didn’t take long and you eventually learned that this was exactly what you needed to do every time you had a problem.

Now you are both adults and married. But what you probably don’t know is that that same child is still there inside you. What does this mean for your marriage? Think about your behavior when you have a problem.

What happens when your wife is sad, upset, or stressed out about something? You act out exactly what you learned. She comes over to speak about something that’s on her mind expecting to find a shoulder to lean on, affection and a listening ear. What do you give her instead? The same shock treatment you would get from your parents as a child. And worse, you accuse her of being weak, emotional and offer her what you think are solutions to her problem. Then, she wonders how on earth she ended up marrying this insensitive caveman from the Stone Age.

If you’re a woman: your husband comes home upset about something, stressed out, angry or accumulating some type of negative emotion. Straight away you notice that something is wrong. Wanting to help him, you offer the same treatment you would receive as a child: “Honey, what happened? Is something wrong? Talk to me! What are you thinking about?” But he comes out with the classic, “Everything’s fine,” while thinking, “Why doesn’t this annoying woman leave me alone?” And you feel isolated from his world.

Do you still wonder why men and women don’t understand each other?

The solution begins when you recognize these differences between genders. Then, learn to communicate in a more effective way with your partner, in his/her language. I am not saying that a man should go and cry on his wife’s shoulder, or that a woman should start manning up and wipe away her tears. But you can both be more understanding and tolerant of each other, making an effort to meet half way.

Men, you can step up and adopt a fatherly role when your wife is having one of her hissy fits. “Come here, let me give you a hug… everything’s going to be OK.” And when you are going through one of your darker moments, make an effort to open up about what is making you upset—even if it only serves to help her with her imaginations.

Women, you can learn to give your husband more space, understand that, since a boy, he has learned to deal with things by himself and that he doesn’t cope well with showing his feelings. He views this as weakness. You could also take the hint and stop unloading your emotional energy on him when you’re stressed out.

Couples that understand this, and make the necessary adjustments, are a lot happier.

Maybe your partner doesn’t understand this. But that is not the end of the world. It only means that you need to be a little bit stronger and more understanding.

A woman wants her husband to be her rock, her safe harbor in the relationship. She wants to know that she can unload all her troubles on him—anger, frustration, sadness—and that he will not feel uncomfortable or shaken. Instead of getting a negative reaction, a woman wants to see her man stand strong while he tries to understand her and stick by her through that difficult moment. A job that is truly not easy for him, but which is possible.

A man wants his woman to trust him, and to be okay with the fact that he doesn’t talk about every single problem with the detail we see in butterfly wings. She can demonstrate her trust in him by letting him deal with it, without abandoning him completely. He wants her to stay close by, even at times in silence, showing him through her acts of kindness that she trusts in his ability to overcome any situation. A task that is truly not easy for her, but which is possible.

Understand and practice this. Many times, being a mature adult in a relationship means understanding the child that still exists within both of you.

 

Also read:

[related_posts limit=”7″]

 

Subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.