12/09/2016

Lessons to be learned from the end of a marriage

Brazil’s most popular TV anchors, Wiliam Bonner and Fátima Bernardes, have recently officially announced their break-up after being married for 26 years. No further detail or official motive has been disclosed by the couple. It’s not up to us to speculate, since a separation in itself is already painful for obvious reasons, let alone when others keep talking about it without knowing for sure what’s really happening.

To us from The Love School, the grief is double, not only because another marriage has come to an end and the pain of the parties involved, including the couple’s three children, but also because of an even bigger reason: with all the exposure that William and Fátima have, being on the TV screens for almost three decades, this break-up doesn’t affect the couple alone. The saddest thing about it is that it’ll lead others to lose faith in marriage.

Many will take this separation as one more “proof” that long-lasting marriages no longer exist. “See? Even THAT couple from TV has split up!” The phrase expresses quite well the feeling going around in talks among friends since the news popped up on the web. Talks that usually finish with the following conclusion: the old “till death do us part” has expired and has been replaced by “may it be eternal while it lasts.”

However, the truth is that there is nothing wrong with marriage as an institution. It’s people who are changing. Marriage is, for sure, the best thing that can happen to someone in various aspects. Married people live longer, are healthier, have more money and children with a better structure. Evidently, we are talking about a healthy marriage here. It has been like this for thousands of years and will continue to be so.

If long-lasting, happy marriages are becoming hard to find, it’s because people are losing the notion of a basic little rule:

In marriage, it’s like this: You neglect it, you’ll lose it.

It is so easy to neglect it and put the relationship on autopilot after the exchange of rings… I know how it is. I did it for 12 years in my marriage. A little problem that arises here, another one there… the couple argues but nothing is resolved. Life goes on. Work, bills, the Olympics, shopping… there is never “time” to take care of the relationship. All of a sudden, a crisis arises. (Remember: unresolved problems + time = crisis.) Separation seems to be the only solution. In the case of Bonner and Bernardes, certainly, at some point, someone stopped taking care of the relationship and started to put other things and/or people before the spouse.

It is possible to practically salvage any marriage IF at least ONE starts to do the right things. Yes, hardly ever does it start with both. Usually, when one changes, the other one is influenced to change too. The problem is their pride, ego and stubbornness are at times so big that no one wants to give in. That’s tragic. If they would use their mind a little bit, they’d see that the effort, pain and the consequences of a divorce surpass by far the necessary effort to change and work the marriage out.

We wish the best to William, Fátima, and the children.