08/03/2011

The day my wife called me selfish (2)

(For the full story, read part 1 here)

“But that’s the whole idea. I don’t want it to be full,” I replied, hoping my words would avoid my suitcase getting even heavier at our next stop. But instead, here’s what I got:

“You’re selfish! Why can’t I put some of my stuff in your bag? I always pack our bags and you don’t even appreciate it…”

Whoa! I didn’t see that one coming!

I was speechless. After a few minutes to recollect myself, still dizzy from the blow, I asked Cris lightheartedly: “How did the word “selfish” get into a conversation about extra luggage in just over three sentences?” And we both laughed about it.

On the way to the airport I was still thinking about that exchange, and how it’s so easy for couples to get into an argument over the smallest things. Just add stress, the wrong choice of words, and a little bit of pride to taste, and an explosion will follow.

Guys, that can happen faster than a Lamborghini can go from 0-60mph. Girls, that’s faster than you can put on lipstick while driving, checking your lips in the rearview mirror, and keeping an eye on the road at the same time.

And here’s what you can do to avoid such explosions from happening:

Keep the conversation at 5 feet off the ground – You see, what happened when Cris threw the word selfish at me was that she moved the altitude of the conversation from 5 to 50,000 feet. I was making a passing comment to her about my suitcase and she suddenly took it up to the level of character attack. No wonder I felt dizzy… It was way too high, way too fast! When you’re talking to your spouse, stick to the subject in front of you. If you’re talking about food, don’t throw “insensitive” or “you don’t care about what I like” into the conversation. Stick to the rice and beans and how you would like them cooked the next time. And if you must discuss high-level issues, then make sure you are much more careful how you approach it. Make it a separate conversation altogether, for another day. “Honey, I want to talk about how sometimes I feel that you’re not always as sensitive to my needs as I am to yours.”

Know when to drop it – If I had stopped at my first comment, after I got an absolutely reasonable reply from my wife, none of that would have happened. Sometimes we just say one word too many. We could stop and let it pass, but we feel we must go on and get our way. Believe me, it doesn’t pay. Remember this: There are certain things you can never let pass in a relationship, but they are very few and far in between. Most of the time, you can just drop it and let it go. Life’s too short to spend it bickering.

Words are triggers – I’ve seen this over and over again in couples’ counseling. Most couples argue not because they have fundamental disagreements, but because they choose the wrong words to communicate their feelings about each other. Watching what you say and how you say it is one of the most important relationship skills you can develop.

Make light of it – When someone steps on your toe, you have two choices: step on their toe or feel the sting, soothe it, and move on. Humor soothes sore moments in relationships. You need to learn to use it often and accept it when your partner uses it to make light of a bad situation between you. The way I made fun of how the word selfish got so fast into my conversation with Cris helped us both to stop before anybody got hurt and move on.

Yes, I could have escalated our talk into an argument, attacked Cris back, and still nursed a grudge later. But I’m a minimum-luggage freak.

I like to travel light.

PS (to Cris): Baby, I wanted to say one “I love you” for every suitcase you’ve packed and unpacked for me in the last 20 years (if I only knew the count!). I know how stressful it can be. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

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